Community
(First published in Archer Magazine)
Hello, my name is Stacey stokes. I’m a 39 year old transgender woman. I enjoy creative writing, reading and writing letters. I love nature and the great outdoors. Also, I’m in jail…
My prison journey has been harsh, and it led me to fight for changes. I think many incarcerated transgender people do the same. We either fight for basic human decency, or we are trampled by the system.
My journey started with court, where my lawyer told the judge I was transgender. But the judge had me assessed to make sure I wasn’t just pretending to be a guy pretending to be a girl. They ruled I wasn’t just pretending, to pretend. They then suggested I stop pretending, since I was going to be sent to a manly man’s jail. If I cut my hair, grew a beard and didn’t use a girl’s name I would be safer and not get harassed.
So I was then sent to a men’s protection jail. All transgender girls were sent to them back then, and all the rapists too. I was refused hormone replacement medication for years and placed in a three man cell, with two convicted rapists. I was teased, bullied and assaulted. An ex- soldier stood up for me, I will always remember that. Sadly when he was released he was shot in head, robbing a drug dealer I’m told. The sad reality of prison. I will miss him.
I applied for a name and gender change during this time, but it was rejected. They said it could offend society or my victim. The distinction of me being a crossdresser or transgender is upsetting it seems. So in rejecting it no one was upset… except me. Rejecting it also forced me to be mis-gendered and dead named forever. I was hysterical, I cried, I wanted to die, I prayed to die. I was not going to be forced to live my life as a boy forever from yet another punishment for my crimes. I only got through it because of support from the LGBTQI+ community.
Corrections had their “reasons” and “excuses”. It made sense to them somehow. And some things have changed, and continue to change, for the better. But changes have only come about because the LGBTQI community have forced these changes to happen. By fighting and pushing back. There was resistance to these changes as well. I personally have been to the ombudsman, the human rights commission and court (under a pseudonym) as I know other have as well. Community legal centres and LGBTQI+ groups have been a massive help, advocating on our behalf. As has the community. Members of our wonderful community also created a transgender and gender diverse support fund for incarcerated people. To help support them in jail and upon release.
Inside jail we are a community too, isolated from society. A minority inside a minority. We rely on each other for support and belonging. I first realised this when I lost my friend Ben. We hung out together every day, me ben and my other LGBTQI+ friends. We talked, laughed and gossiped, like it was high school. It really helped pass the time we were all doing and insulated us against all the bullying. Sadly, one day Ben was moved to another jail. We really missed him when he left, but we still had each other. A short time later an older gay man came back from that jail and told us Ben had died. When he told me I ran to the officers and pleaded with them to tell me what happened. They told me he really was gone, that he had hung himself. I was shocked, I didn’t understand. A lot of rumours went around after that, but they all said Ben felt isolated and alone. It made me think back to my name and gender change, when I was hysterically crying and wanting to die, I only got through that rejection because I had community support. I only got through Bens death because I had community support as well. He had no one… I started to understand then.
The other inmates would ask me if that gay boy really necked himself… The newspaper ran an article saying “local criminal commits suicide in prison”. No one really cared but our community and his poor family. We cried and mourned. It opened my eyes up to a lot of truth. Society doesn’t care, but out community does. This made me really want to be a more active member of our community, to help as much as I could. I looked for issues and short falls I could fix or help with that would benefit our community.
One of the troubles I found was that no one tells you your rights or who can help when you are thrown in prison and those rights are violated. You’re in the dark, all alone and fed lies by people trying to cover their asses or are just plain bullies. I was determined to fix this. I didn’t want others to go through the same traumatic journey as I did, or end up feeling isolated and alone like Ben did. I got a job as a peer listener and started to hand out the details for legal centres and community groups who could advocate on our behalf. I Talked to other LGBTQI inmates about their rights and let them know if they were being treated unfairly. Around this time the corrections system started making changes. One of these changes was a transgender and gender diverse forum to discuss all the many ongoing issues we were having. I eventually became the secretary of the forum, speaking for those too shy to speak and arguing with big wigs from corrections and justice health. I also wanted to make sure any issue people felt they needed to raise, were raised. I didn’t want anyone’s voice to be silenced because people thought what they had to say was stupid. It was a forum and everyone would be heard. The forum was a big help I believe, it made changes and allowed us to voice our concerns. The changes were too slow for others though.
Another initiative was by the education provider. Wanting to be more inclusive they asked me to be the guest speaker for Federation University. Speaking about transgender issues in prison. They seemed interested and listened and I appreciated that.
More recently, the prison I’m at asked me to participate in a future leaders program the local government was running. The topic was social justice and I wrote a piece that was read out to the group as a whole. Afterward I then sat down with individual smaller groups and discussed the issues of being transgender in prison and what supports are needed in jail and upon release. It was nice to be seen and heard by people from the “outside”.
Eventually I had to give up my forum role and peer listener job as I was moved to another jail. After years at the same prison, being moved was scary. I arrived at this new jail feeling alone and isolated. It was really hard for me. But again, the LGBTQI+ community rallied around me, a bisexual inmate and a pan sexual inmate would visit me and walk laps with me every day until I settled in. And with my parole only months away, its members of our community who are again helping me to reintegrate and prepare for this big move. After seven years of institutionalization I am terrified to go home. Being transgender I was laughed at and pointed at before I went to jail, I guess I’m not pretty enough. Now I have a record, finding work will be harder than it was before. Never mind the institutionalization, being scared of people in uniforms, never thinking for myself, always being told what to do. Then there is the PTSD I picked up along the way, panic attacks, paranoia. Society will send me on my merry way but our community has organized to support me. To stand by me and hold my hand. To help me be a part of our wider community again and contribute.
All through jail has been a sh#t show, I have become so much more aware of being a part of a community, and I’m proud of our community and how we come together to support each other. We are a diverse people with different interests and personalities. But when it matters we support each other and help in whatever way we are capable of helping. Even if it’s just in little ways, it all helps to show we are not alone. I’ve realised that society has turned its back on us, but our community hasn’t. I’m proud to be a part of our community. I don’t feel alone, I feel loved and supported. I appreciate everything everyone has do to support us. It has really helped and made a difference. Thank you.
By Stacey Stokes